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The Grey Wolf
24 July 2015 @ 06:02 pm
I hate packing and I hate moving. You just get comfortable and then you turn everything topsy turvy and start trying to cram it into a new space and find out the couch doesn't fit and you own far too many books. I look forward to the day I walk into a space and breathe a sigh of relief, and call it my final destination, and just know that's where all my stuff is going to live for a long while.

I'm at least 14 months away from that, for the moment at least. I keep reminding myself that this change is temporary, but at the same time, I have an innate need to be comfortable and settled in my space. I have a desire to nest. Not to nest in order to bring forth young, but to nest in order to reach comfort. It's like the guy equivalent of wanting to sprawl on the couch in your boxers with a beer and the football game on a Sunday. I just want to have things arranged in an order that makes some sense to me rather than have to cobble together an existence that involves needed items dwelling at the bottom of boxes.

And the sad part: I don't move out (officially) until the middle/end of September! I'm packing in advance so when shit hits the fan at work, I don't have to panic and try to make it work and get it all done.

The first step is the hardest, so now I'm going to start shoving books in bags and books in a rather unceremonious fashion. Blargh.
Home is Nowhere: Ranch Road Roost
La razon de las lagrimas: apatheticapathetic
The Grey Wolf
18 November 2010 @ 01:54 am
I've decided that job searching is depressing. So is trying to figure out the cost of living, and if $400 to $600 a week is fair compensation based on unknown rent rates.

Grr fuss.

However, I do need to find me some employment, or at least start applying/seriously looking for something. I would LOVE to line up a fabulous theatre contract for this summer...somewhere. Maybe.

Okay, so I should probably write my thesis first - then find a job!
Home is Nowhere: 101 Theatre Building
La razon de las lagrimas: anxiousanxious
The Grey Wolf
13 October 2010 @ 05:36 pm
I had a meeting today about my Living Learning Community, and basically it sounds like we are re-vamping the entire community from the stud walls up. While I am certainly excited about this, I'm also in an odd sort of position as having realized lately that while many days are frustrating in LLC land, the good days are some of the most rewarding ones that I could possibly have.

In light of this, I am now starting to wonder if I chose the right career path by heading into theatrical stage management, or if I should have though about getting a degree in Student Affairs and Administration and working with Living Learning Communities instead.

I guess the point is that it is never too late to get another degree, I'm just not sure what my future employment might hold, and I'm wondering if LLCs might be the way to go instead of stages?

While surprised by this discovery, I'm also in that sort of mulling it over while having far too much on my mind sort of stage. I think I just need to get my thesis done and typed and all that jazz, and then think about this. It's all just a bit dizzying and confusing right now.
Home is Nowhere: 101 Theatre Building
La razon de las lagrimas: contemplativecontemplative
The Grey Wolf
11 October 2010 @ 12:52 am
If I pull my hair out and start screaming utter nonsense right now, I think I'd feel completely justified.

The show is open, and still having tech issues. Granted, a few of them were calling issues on my part, but I have trigger happy board ops, and while things are improving, we're still having trouble. I am frustrated with myself. I cannot solve this. I can however catch up on the mountain of paperwork, homework, assistantship duties, and simple chores that is threatening to bury me.

I've been asking my RAs for the better part of a week now if a tentatively scheduled event this Saturday would work or not. I still don't have a straight answer, and am now on hold yet again. I am trying to work out a guest artist coming to visit us and give a performance, and am stymied in the confirmation of time phase at this point. I don't have a solution, and am again, waiting on other people.

I just want information! Please read your emails people and respond in a timely manner, please!

I've had a bowl of cereal, a bag of sun chips, a bag of popcorn, and a cereal snack bar to eat today and been stuck in my office since I arrived for my matinee show yesterday at noon. I have been here in this building for 13 hours!! I just want something to go right for once.

I think I need a super-sized alcoholic drink and a long vacation before I go insane. I need to get away and do something creative - my office is slowly working at sucking the life out of me body and soul and I'm getting to the point where I want to scream at the injustice and terrible brutality of it all. I want to be free to write and draw and craft and make something that shows off my creativity, because right now it isn't to be found in my paperwork.

I love my job, I just want some time off to be able to enjoy it. I would like an answer to something in life instead of another question.

I look around me, and all I can do is ponder how I got here.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I plan on going grocery shopping. At least that's a change of pace from the unending toil and weariness of it all.
Home is Nowhere: 101 Theatre Building
La razon de las lagrimas: bitchybitchy
The Grey Wolf
02 October 2010 @ 10:43 am
I think if a genie appeared right now and told me I had 3 wishes, I'd probably use one of them and ask for a day off:/

k. Is time to go tech the show now!
Home is Nowhere: 101 Theatre Building
La razon de las lagrimas: sleepysleepy
The Grey Wolf
29 August 2010 @ 04:02 pm
So, at callbacks today one of the actors who has known me for a year or so just asked me out of the blue if I was married. I replied that no, I was absolutely single and had been so for quite some time and always seemed to be the "other girl" who is the one guys choose not to date in favor of someone else they meet.

It was kind of a sad moment for me, in that it complimented the remainders of my melancholy mood from the day before, and made me realize that barring my immediate family and my cat (both of whom I do enjoy the company of most days) I am sort of alone.

I tried the random casual dating thing, and I just met people who were nice, but would have eventually wanted me to change myself and be something I'm not. I guess I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as I want to find someone, but I also want the freedom to be absolutely and completely myself at the same time.

I've been wrestling with a lot of moral dilemmas lately, and the whole institution of dating and the sort of friends/benefits line. I just feel like that's not really something I'm interested in anymore, as I either want all or nothing, in the sense of I want to be friends with you, but if you want more than that, then it needs to be a relationship. I'm kind of sick of the whole idea/institution of random hookups and one night stands. I'm kind of in a place where I find myself needing constants in my life.

As a friend reminded me in comment to my melancholy mood, I'm still in school, and life doesn't really start until you graduate. I agree with that statement to some degree, yet at the same time question the validity of needing to set a "start date" to one's life. I have a life, albeit a very busy one, yet if I have wanted to fit something into my agenda, I can certainly find the time for the things and people that I love, and in that sense life hasn't stalled.

I don't know what I want, but I'm lonely, and I guess I want something. I think I'm finding more and more that any measure of certainty would certainly be better than the currently floating current of turmoil and absolute uncertainty that I seem to keep finding myself in, yet I can't help but wonder what it is I'm really looking for. I've spent a very long time in grad school figuring out who I am, and while I seem to temporarily get pulled away from that by the inevitable distractions of life and the pursuit of meaning, I always come back to a ground that seems to be more morally firm than the one that I left.

I am not a prude, yet I believe that for everything in it's time there is a proper place, and perhaps I am old fashioned in that I don't want to meet the drunk frat boy at the party and take him home for a cheap and meaningless evening that will inevitably end up with me feeling tortured over the whole event. I seem to live in a place of guilt, and while I try to escape that, I also realize how hard it is to escape that from time to time, as I feel moored to making current choices based on the precedent of those that have come before. And while to some degree I have changed, the immoral temptation to fall back into old habits appears to me on the edge of my vision as the oasis glimmers in the desert beckoning the unwary traveler off his or her inevitable path and onward to near-certain demise. And yet if you try to ignore the oasis and pretend that it is indeed only a fictitious mirage clouding your judgment, you cannot help but wonder whether or not you have missed out on something important.

I feel like I'm missing some minute detail; the tiniest connection or the most intricate gear in the works of a clock, and while the clock pretends to plod ever onwards, in reality it loses time merely by the fact that it is missing part of itself. And while I fear that I've found myself, I fear that I don't know myself well enough to know if that gear is missing and hence I deserve to sit on the shelf as an aging relic of something gone slightly amiss. And while certainly no one wants to sit on the shelf, one needs to wonder if perhaps it is the best course of action after all, in that one would otherwise need to risk uncharacteristic action that would further diminish the capacity of the usable functionality in the world at large.

It's a conundrum, and at present moment, one I see no escape from. Many people argue they have free will, yet I argue for a pre-destined pathway, in that the evidence stacks more on the scale weighted in the favor of pre-determination. Would that I could choose, I would have the freedom to make escape from the path inevitable, but as I feel I do not, I am forced to make the non-existent choice to sit and wait for change. For while I cannot affect my own path, I can still interfere with the paths of others, some of whom have need of it and some who do not. Perhaps then it is right that I walk alone, for there are days when I have no strength and must fall to my knees and crawl, and others where I choose to run on all fours, the wolf chasing the uncaring moon across the sky with darkness licking at her heels, and still others where I plod weary and broken by the seemingly unending inevitability of it all.
La razon de las lagrimas: morosemorose
The Grey Wolf
20 August 2010 @ 11:25 am
Too much work to do in Iowa.

Can I go back on vacation? Is it Thanksgiving yet?
Home is Nowhere: 101 Theatre Building
La razon de las lagrimas: depresseddepressed
The Grey Wolf
16 July 2010 @ 12:32 am
In other amusing things, had to write an emergency plan of action today. I dug up one from two years ago, and got a bit of a laugh out of it. Yes, I actually turned this in to the head of building facilities two years ago. (I promise mine this year is much more serious and hence boring.)

Other Contingency Plans

Lake Hurricane
1. Please follow Tornado Procedures

Atomic Bomb
1. Please follow Tornado Procedures

1. Please follow Power Outage Procedures - everyone evacuates to the roof instead

1. Please remain seated & calm
2. Evacuation procedures not necessary as the end is near anyway

Space Aliens
1. Please follow Tornado Procedures
a. In the event that the invaders do ask to be taken to your leader, you are UNDER NO CONDITION to point out the Stage Manager
b. Proper response to invaders questioning to be taken to a leader is as follows: I know nothing, and am not, nor ever have been a member of the Communist party

1. Please follow Power Outage Procedures
a. Everyone will remain seated in the theatre with cast & crew joining to sit onstage and the entire theatre will be locked down until further news is available
b. In the event that the zombie uprising begins in the theatre, if the outside hall is clear, please follow Fire Procedures
c. In the event that the zombie uprising begins in the theatre and the hall outside is NOT clear, Stage Management reserves the right to authorize the use of excessive military force
i. All crew members will be armed with blunt force or improvised “bludgeoning weapons” and told to enforce martial law until assistance becomes available
d. In the event the crew contacts the virus, Stage Management may then choose elected audience “captains” to arm to enforce martial law until assistance becomes available
e. In the even that the Stage Manager becomes a zombie, chain of command passes to:
i. Assistant Stage Manager
ii. Light Board Operator
iii. Sound Board Operator
iv. Anyone else who wants it
Home is Nowhere: St. Norbert's Dungeon
La razon de las lagrimas: cheerfulcheerful
The Grey Wolf
06 July 2010 @ 11:00 pm
I've slowly but surely come to the conclusion that my ASM & office mate for the summer is a completely unmotivated lazy and incompetent moron. And I think that's being nice!

I have been so patient with this guy, but he has like a million props things to do, and instead is diddling around on facebook in the office, or doing stuff for a class he's taking right now that is sucking up sooooooo much of his time. I did a bunch of stuff today that wasn't even my job, because he can't get it done.

He has no initiative. If I don't kick him in the rear to get started on something, he'd NEVER get started on it. Theatre is a job that requires you to motivate yourself. Sorry I don't make it in to the office until 10 or 11 am some days, but I figure since I'm here until 11 or later most nights, I'm putting in my 12 hours a day 7 days a week. You need to base your own schedule around what you need to do - I cannot do this for him, but if I don't make it a point to say, "oh yeah," I'll be in early at like 9 am and get into the office early and nag at him all day, nothing gets done.

I'm frustrated. I'm at the end of my rope, because when I do ask him to do something, he either half asses it or piddles about until I nag him repeatedly. I hate nagging people, and I feel that I shouldn't have to, however it isn't really an option not to nag. If I don't, nothing gets done.

I'm tired, and I'm homesick. I cannot wait, because my family will be here in like 2 and a half weeks to see the show, and then I'm going back to Michigan for at least 2 weeks, possibly longer. I talked to my family this weekend, and we're planning on going canoeing, and to the Toledo Zoo, and maybe to Cedar Point, and to go see a Tigers game, and lots of fun stuff. I guess this is just a trial I need to get through. If I can make it through this show, I think I can make it through just about anything:)

But I still really wish I could go home now:(
Home is Nowhere: St. Norbert's Dungeon
La razon de las lagrimas: gloomygloomy
The Grey Wolf
01 July 2010 @ 10:31 pm
Quote my Officemate, after sitting down to work and getting up a few seconds later, "Uh, I have to go potty so bad!" He than waddles out of the office to take care of business I assume.

Cue him leaving, and me starting to giggle uncontrollably. Keep in mind he is 26 and male.

Are we like 6 again here? Usually, I make some comment about needing to pee, or use the restroom, or take a piss, but really? Potty?

And the man wonders why me and apparently several of his friends think he's gay.

I wonder if I need saving from Wisconsin, or Wisconsin needs saving from me.
Home is Nowhere: St. Norbert's Dungeon
La razon de las lagrimas: amusedamused